What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 03:01
I never cut or harmed myself..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I have no regrets .
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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I will be 64.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Especially a lifetime of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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How can someone effectively handle a targeted individual?
I was very sick at this time too.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But ive been too sick for many years..
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She married twice! .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When she asked me how she looked .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I write beautiful poetry .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It was going to be , some day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So, i spoilt her more .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
What did i know ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But, we were locked up after school.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My family never makes their pension either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I waited trembling.
She found it foreign!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My life is so biszare .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i lived it daily.
She loved him until the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
I said to her
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot live in the past .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were not on the streets..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So whats the point in blame.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Who then, do I blame.?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Put me off passion for life!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Would this be the day?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was seconnd youngest,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mum and dad in the seventies!